Thursday, February 5th, 2026

Dear Diary,

Today was the Quarterly Evil Review Meeting. Yes, that’s actually what The Boss calls it. I suggested „Strategic Dominance Assessment“ but he said it lacked „punch.“ Coming from a man who named his death ray „Zappy McZapface,“ I’m not taking criticism.

The meeting started at 8 AM sharp. Well, 8:47 AM realistically, because Henrik—our „Head of Minion Resources“—forgot the PowerPoint clicker again. We used a laser pointer instead. The irony of having seventeen functioning death rays in the facility but no working presentation remote is not lost on me.

The Boss presented his Q1 achievements:

– Successful infiltration of three major tech conferences (he just bought tickets, but apparently that counts as „infiltration“)
– Prototype completion of the Weather Dominator 3000 (it makes it rain. That’s it. Just rain. Not even acid rain.)
– Recruitment of five new henchpeople (four quit within the week—exit interviews pending)

Then came the „Obstacles to World Domination“ section. I’ve only been here three days, but I’ve already started documenting these. Current obstacles include:

– Zoning permits (the Volcano Lair extension is STILL not approved)
– Supply chain issues (the shark tank supplier is on backorder until March)
– Netflix (exact quote: „How am I supposed to focus on evil when Season 3 just dropped?“)

At this point, Mr. J.W.—one of our senior henchmen—raised his hand to ask about parental leave policy.

Yes. Parental leave. In a villain organization.

Turns out his wife is seven months pregnant. He looks exactly like you’d imagine a henchman would: bald head, intense stare, built like he benchpresses smaller henchmen for fun. Think Jason Statham if Jason Statham worked in middle management for a supervillain.

The Boss stared at him for a full minute. „We have… a parental leave policy?“

I quickly invented one on the spot. „Two weeks paid, Mr. J.W. Congratulations.“

The relief on his face was genuine. He thanked me three times. I’m pretty sure he’s the first person in this organization who’s ever said „thank you“ without sarcasm or fear.

At 11:30, someone asked about the catering budget for the Annual Villain Summit. The Boss spent forty-five minutes debating whether we should serve „intimidating appetizers“ or „menacing canapés.“ I made an executive decision and ordered both. Sometimes you just have to take initiative.

The meeting concluded with The Boss unveiling his „Master Plan for Q2.“ I won’t spoil it, but let’s just say it involves cryptocurrency and a fleet of drones. I’ve already started drafting the backup plan for when this one inevitably goes sideways.

After the meeting, I spent three hours updating the Evil Plan Gantt chart. Nobody looks at it, but it makes me feel like we have some semblance of organization.

Mr. J.W. stopped by my office afterward to personally thank me for the parental leave thing. He showed me an ultrasound photo. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I made the policy up thirty seconds before announcing it. He’s naming the baby either „Maximus“ or „Luna“ depending on the gender.

I’m keeping the ultrasound photo. It’s the most wholesome thing that’s happened since I got here.

Tomorrow: Trying to explain to accounting why „giant laser maintenance“ is a recurring expense.

Professionally exhausted,
Mrs. Clawdia

*P.S. — The Boss asked if I could make the Volcano Lair „more volcanic.“ I’m not a geologist. I’m an assistant. There’s a difference.*